The Deep State Has Apparently Mastered Weather Control, and They’re Wasting It on a Fourth of July Parade
Let us pause and appreciate the achievement.
Somewhere in the bowels of the federal government — perhaps in a sub-basement of the National Weather Service, or a hidden floor of FBI headquarters, or a rented server farm in Bethesda — a dedicated team of Trump-Deranged scientists has spent years mastering the ability to manipulate Earth’s atmosphere. They have studied cloud formation, thermal dynamics, the Hadley cells of tropical convection, the jet stream’s relationship to Rossby waves, the entire accumulated meteorological science of the last two centuries. They have built machines capable of heating hundreds of square miles of American soil to 102 degrees Fahrenheit on command. They have acquired the capacity to generate severe thunderstorms capable of evacuating 150,000 people from the National Mall at precisely 7:15 PM on the Fourth of July.
And they used it to mess with a party.
Not to win an election. Not to trigger a flood that would change the course of a war. Not to topple a regime or reroute a hurricane toward an enemy coast. They used their godlike dominion over the forces of nature to make it unpleasant to stand outside in Washington D.C. in July.
In Washington D.C.
In July.
These are the most powerful and simultaneously most petty supervillains in the history of organized malevolence.
Kylie Jane Kremer — listed as the permit holder for the January 6th rally that preceded the assault on the United States Capitol, and thus well-positioned to assess what constitutes a disruption to a political event — was the first to crack the case. “I’m telling y’all that someone with an extreme case of TDS geoengineered this weather in DC,” she wrote. “Same way they geoengineered Trump’s inauguration to be one of the coldest in U.S. history. People with TDS hate Trump more than they love America.”
The TDS weather machine has apparently been operating for at least five years. The same shadowy apparatus that frosted the inauguration is the one that boiled the birthday party. The Deep State’s climate division has been targeting Donald Trump’s outdoor events with meteorological precision since at least January 2021. One must admire their patience.
The Evidence Is Irrefutable
Let us examine the facts that have led serious analysts like Kylie Jane Kremer to this conclusion.
Fact: It was hot in Washington D.C. on July 4th. Washington Post meteorologist Ben Noll noted the nation’s capital would be “hotter than 99 percent of the planet on Friday.”
Fact: Washington D.C. is in a mid-Atlantic region of the Eastern Seaboard at sea level, at a latitude of approximately 38 degrees North, where summer temperatures routinely exceed 95 degrees Fahrenheit and have done so for as long as thermometers have been pointed at it.
Fact: Climate scientists have documented decades of increasing summer heat in the D.C. metropolitan area, driven by greenhouse gas emissions and urban heat island effects.
Fact: None of these facts matter, because the Deep State has a weather machine.
The alternative explanation — that it is simply hot in Washington D.C. in July because it is always hot in Washington D.C. in July because that is what July in Washington D.C. is — fails to account for the most important variable: Donald Trump was there. When Donald Trump is present, normal weather cannot apply. Normal weather is for non-historic moments. This was America 250. The bicentennial-plus-50 celebration of the greatest nation in the history of nations. The weather had no business being hot.
Therefore: TDS geoengineering.
Former Republican Rep. Adam Kinzinger, always helpful in these moments, dismissed the claim bluntly, saying people advancing such theories were “not mentally well.” Climate advocate Benji Backer pointed out what he called the central contradiction: “Climate change can’t be real but this can be.”
Backer raises a fair point. The same movement that has spent thirty years insisting that the planet is not warming due to human activity has now concluded that specific humans are warming specific places at specific times using specific machines. The global climate isn’t changing. But the air over the National Mall absolutely was weaponized.
The Event Itself
To be fair to Kylie Jane Kremer, there was chaos at Freedom 250 that one might want to attribute to something other than its organizers.
The marquee celebration was abruptly halted by the National Park Service around 7:15 p.m. after severe weather concerns prompted law enforcement to evacuate the area. As storms rolled through Washington, people who had waited hours in scorching heat to enter were suddenly ushered into emergency shelters around the Mall, such as the Smithsonian African American History Museum, the Ronald Reagan Building, and the Thomas Jefferson Memorial.
The Independence Day parade was canceled Saturday due to extreme heat. The remaining flyovers later in the day were also unable to go ahead due to the weather. The event saw sparse crowds during the week, malfunctioning air conditioning units and near-empty exhibits after some states decided not to participate.
Trump eventually arrived at the National Mall with First Lady Melania Trump at 10:09 p.m. as attendees were still going through TSA-style security checks. In another bizarre scene, the pair was filmed by Fox News standing in a holding room — watching themselves on Fox News’ live coverage as they stood in the holding room.
He watched himself on television watching himself. He is literally a man watching himself on television watching himself and this seemed normal to everyone in the room.
The fireworks show began at around midnight, three hours later than it had in previous years. The barrage was so prolonged and dense that smoke blanketed much of the skyline, obscuring the finale beneath a hazy cloud hanging over the proceedings. The 80-year-old president also appeared to doze off during the July the Fourth fireworks.
He fell asleep during his own fireworks show. The biggest fireworks display in American history. He fell asleep during it. The Deep State presumably geoengineered his sleepiness.
Freedom 250 issued a defiant statement after the chaos: “FOR 250 YEARS, AMERICANS HAVE OVERCOME EVERY CHALLENGE WITH GRIT, RESILIENCE, AND DETERMINATION. A LITTLE RAIN WILL NEVER DIMINISH OUR PRIDE, OUR PATRIOTISM, OR OUR CELEBRATION OF THE GREATEST NATION IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD.”
A little rain. The parade was canceled. The flyovers were scrubbed. The president arrived four hours late and fell asleep during his own show. A little rain.
The Real Culprit
Marjorie Taylor Greene has been here before. After deadly Texas floods, she introduced a bill to ban “weather modification.” Meteorologists have uniformly explained that cloud seeding — the only real-world weather modification technology that exists — cannot produce disasters, cannot manufacture heat waves, cannot summon thunderstorms over specific zip codes at specific times. It can, in favorable conditions, slightly encourage precipitation in an area where precipitation was already likely. It is not a weapon. It is not a superpower. It is not capable of ruining a parade.
But here is what IS capable of ruining a July 4th parade in Washington D.C.: planning a July 4th parade in Washington D.C. in July, when the National Weather Service — which this administration has gutted, by the way, eliminating 600 positions including meteorologists whose job it is to forecast exactly the kind of severe weather that struck the Mall on Saturday — has been forecasting dangerous heat and afternoon thunderstorms for weeks.
The Deep State didn’t cancel the parade. The calendar canceled the parade. July in Washington D.C. canceled the parade. The thermal dynamics of a mid-Atlantic summer in an era of documented climate warming canceled the parade.
But the administration that spent years calling climate change a hoax cannot say that. The movement that denied the warming for thirty years cannot admit the warming caused a problem. And so: the geoengineers. The TDS weather machine. The hidden scientists in the NWS basement turning knobs marked “humidity” and “frontal system velocity” and cackiling over their instruments.
The Deep State has apparently mastered control of Earth’s atmosphere. They chose to use this power to slightly inconvenience a birthday party.
They hate America so much.